I’m writing this from bed. It’s late. My three-year-old is on the floor next to me, fighting the sleep I’m so desperately lacking. I’ve only just gotten upstairs after cleaning dry erase marker off of most of the surfaces of my home and mopping up puddles of melted ice, compliments of my teething 18-month-old. I share this to let you know that the advice that follows not only comes from an educator with fifteen years of experience and a Master’s degree is Special Education, but also a mom who is in the absolute thick of it, raising two spectacular kids determined to be entirely themselves.
The best advice I can give? Parent the kids you have. If you intentionally parent your kids as they really are, I guarantee your day-to-day life will be easier, you’ll feel less burned out, and you’ll be able to enjoy your children about a million times more.
Our kids are born with their own personalities, preferences, sensitivities, and brains. They come into this world wired differently, and I’m here to assert that this is wonderful. And yet many of us unintentionally try to mold them into something else. We push them into clothes they hate wearing, into responsibilities they’re not ready for, and into neurotypical molds that squash their unique gifts and overemphasize their challenges. We vastly overestimate our ability to sculpt our children into exactly who we want them to be, and when they resist, we double down.
But here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be that way. You can shift your entire parenting approach by simply choosing to parent the child that’s in front of you–not the child you expected, not their sibling, not the neighbor’s kid, and certainly not a copy of yourself.
To do this, I use four essential questions in both my coaching practice and my home. They serve as a guide to help parents assess what really matters so that you can allow your kids to be who they are while also raising them to be good humans.
Is my child capable of doing what I’m asking them to do?
Is this developmentally appropriate? I often use Montessori-informed guidelines to gauge developmental readiness. Remember: guidelines, not rules. What a child is capable of doing in one environment–say, at school when they’re well-fed, rested, and feeling safe–may not be realistic when they’re tired, overstimulated, or hungry at home. And for neurodivergent kids, these expectations often need to be adjusted even more. For example, children with ADHD may lag in executive function by up to three years compared to peers.
Our greatest frustrations come from unmet expectations. Revising our expectations is the fix.
Why is it important that my child do this?
If your reasoning starts and ends with, “Because I said so,” you may want to dig deeper. Yes, as parents we provide structure and safety and we have non-negotiables. I’m suggesting you identify what those non-negotiables are, because having a core set of family principles allows you to make directives for your family that are intentional.
In our family, we focus on ideas like: “This is not your fault, but it is your responsibility,” and, “We respect other people’s space and needs.” These principles help us to explain the “why” behind requests and to impart our values. So if water gets spilled, there’s no shame–but they do need to clean it up. And when I’m overstimulated and ask for quiet, it models that we all have the right to advocate for our needs.
When you root your directives in values, you communicate more than rules–you communicate purpose. And you might also discover that some things just aren’t worth enforcing.
Does my child really need to do this?
There are non-negotiables. But there are also countless things that frankly just don’t matter. Mismatched socks. The perpetually cluttered bedroom. Unless it’s infringing on safety or someone else’s well-being, ask yourself: Do I really need to die on this hill? If your child can find their belongings, and their mess stays contained, maybe the room doesn’t need to look like Martha Stewart grew up in there.
Letting go of unnecessary battles lightens everyone’s load. And the more flexibility you show in the small stuff, the more your kids will say yes to the things that really matter.
Does my child need to do this the way I’m asking?
Our kids crave agency. If you ask them to clean up, and they want to pick up blocks one at a time with a toy crane–let them. If they put their pants on backwards but insist they’re comfy–let it be. If your student needs to pace the room while brainstorming their essay–why not? As long as the task gets done and safely, great.
Returning to these four questions has revolutionized my life. They remind me that my job isn’t to control, but to guide and support my students and kids to shine as the once-in-a-universe cosmic events that they are.
At Empowerment EDU, we help families like yours restore peace, deepen connection, and raise truly incredible humans. For more about me, Maggie Tatum–Executive Function Coach and Educator–visit EmpowermentEDU.com.
