Getting your stakeholders to eat their veggies (and how it works with my toddlers)

I’m going to tell you a story about broccoli, my very picky three-year-old, and how this may help in getting your stakeholders to more quickly adopt change.

Stay with me.

As a parent, I spend a good amount of time contemplating the fuel goes into my kids' bodies. But my once easy-to-please boy has evolved into a carb-only, snack-loving, health-food-resister.

So, you can imagine my success if I put a plate of broccoli in front of this strong-willed toddler. Even with logical reason and explanation of the value of good nutrition, there is a very low chance of him digging in.

This story makes a point that extends beyond a common parenting challenge. Changing people's behaviors is a tall task, often more challenging than framing a compelling “why” statement, configuring a system, or documenting a process change. Why? Because people (not just the little ones) are not always rational.

Even when we know that changing behaviors would be good for us (eating the veggies, or going to the gym, or adopting a new way of working, process, or system), we resist. We all know from life experience that to make behavior changes "stick," the changes need to come from a self-motivation. In other words, people need to "get there" on their own. Even when it’s a rational decision, life lessons must be, well, learned.

Knowing that, how can you help others change behaviors and learn life lessons on their own – especially when a different behavior or a new future state serves them in a better way? 

Hide the veggies

A lunchtime lecture on the nutritional benefits of leafy greens is not going to encourage my three-year-old to spontaneously learn to love broccoli. So how can I help him change? 

I hide the veggies.

Experience has taught me that my best chance of getting him to eat healthy is to ask what he wants to eat, usually presented in the form of two or three options. Then when he orders his usual pancakes, I ask a follow up question: "What color should we make them?" When he chooses the "hulk-style pancakes,” they, of course, need to be green, which means made with a touch of pureed broccoli. And then he gobbles them up! A second helping? Absolutely!

How can you bridge this small but meaningful triumph at the kids' table to the working world? Especially knowing that adults, too, can sometimes resist change even when it’s to their benefit? There are three transferable insights:

1.      Ask questions. Because we know people need to "get there" on their own, we need to let them do just that. The most effective way? With a coaching mindset, ask questions that allow others to think through their perspective and situation on their own and find openness to the virtues of an alternative approach.

• What are your thoughts?
• How does this make you feel?
• How do you think this could play out?
• What would it look like if you were entirely successful? Why do you want that? (repeat last question as needed)

It’s important that one processes their own thoughts and feelings around behavior change to drive self-direction and sustained practice. It seems counter-intuitive but often the most successful (and therefore fastest) path is having the time to think things through.  

2.      Let people approach in their own way. All kids are not the same, and one size never fits all, so respect the differences in personal approaches. When you seek to motivate changes in others – whether it’s a client, a colleague, or employee – leave space for individualism through collaboration, silence, or space and again, time to think through the change.  Ask more questions.

• What are your options?
• What do you think you need to do next? What could be your first step?
• What do you think you need to do to get a better result? What else could you do? Who could help you?
• What would happen if you did nothing?
• What has worked for you already? How could you do more of that?
• What is the most challenging part for you?
• What advice would you give to a friend?

Change isn’t easy, so deploy the methods that work best for the individual as they think through or adjust to the changes. They should have a sense of control in their choices, especially if they are different from those historically or habitually made. This creates a stronger case for sustained behavior, too.

3.      Know the stakes and tailor your response. Understand the full context of the change  you’re hoping to inspire – both so you can offer more helpful considerations going forward and so you can shift your counsel to what’s possible for the individual. The impact or risk of making a change is not the same for every moment or behavior. It's important to take stock of that and take a tailored approach.

Weigh the urgency of the need to change the behavior when preparing to give feedback. In other words, can this person or effort fail safely, or does this behavior need to change now to avoid an urgent or cataclysmic failure?

When a behavior change is needed to prevent true harm, take a more direct and absolute approach. So if, for instance, my three-year-old needs to change his unsafe behavior of running near a very busy street, I say that clearly and sternly. But if it’s just a question on what he prefers to wear, I am much more flexible and open to other options.

This is an especially important skill for a people manager. There may be times when it is appropriate to allow a team member the opportunity to fail so they can learn the value of changing their behavior modification.

Admittedly, this approach is hard and requires practice and patience. So much patience. It’s much easier to issue a directive to change or assume that people will just “get it” but there is limited likelihood of success with this approach which has been proved time and time again – both at work and at home.   

What is your most successful tactic to influencing behavior? How does your approach vary when you believe the behavior change to be in service of better personal outcomes or for the greater good?