Hard Time

[WalkingWoman]

Husband, Jim, died in July.  He was here at home and was able to be at home until his death.  I was the sole caregiver and was the one who provided meds and care.  Right now I'm having memories of his dying time, which was two days of difficult breathing, heart rate changes, and deepening coma.  He did not have any pain, but his dying time was not peaceful.  He was not in pain, but I was.  

And while I can talk about him and our time together, 45 years, I really need to talk about his dying time, and the time after his death, when I wrote the obituary, made cremation arrangements and drove myself to pick up the ashes.  There is no one who wants to hear that story.  And I need someone to hear, and I need to tell it. He did have 3 adult children, but they "wanted to give me  space" and did not contact me.  

I feel like I am just going down that spiral, and not sure what will happen.

[LisaS961881]

    Walking Woman,

          Everything that you wrote seemed achingly familiar to me.  I am so appreciative that you shared this!  

          In my experience, I sometimes felt as if well-meaning family and friends were trying to have me compartmentalize or sanitize my feelings of grief.  As Serene Seagull wrote - nobody really wants our stark, sometimes messy realities “out there” because they won’t be alleviated by the usual truisms or platitudes.  

          Please share your narrative with someone - a friend, the adult children, a local group, or with us.  

          I hear you.  I understand.

[SereneSeagull]

WalkingWoman, 
My thoughts during the holidays are doing the same with loved ones who have passed, one last year and another several years ago

.  The weeks and months after death are filled with making arrangements, speaking with friends and relatives, and paperwork up-the-butt.  The grieving process has to take a back seat it seemed for me, as the trappings of the aftermath engulfed me.

As Thanksgiving approached this year, I found myself remembering the moments in the hospital or at home, for both.   As you have said, the dying time, and what you see and are feeling during that time.  I’ve heard others speak of how beautiful it was for them to witness , and that family was with them as they passed.  I’m not really buying that for what I experienced.  The dying time and the breathing and pain issues were heart wrenching to see and hear.  There was no ethereal glow.

You are correct, expressing it.  Nobody seemingly wants that out there, probably because they may not know what to say to us when they hear it, but I agree that part of grieving, at least for me is important to express.  

It’s exceedingly hard to not only go through that, but also deal with the necessary things that have to get done.  And then it hits you.  Or it hit me.

Picking up the ashes, we arrived early and the place was in the midst of matching up the number to my loved one.  I didn’t want to see the ashes, but there it was, as I saw the bag being placed in the urn. 

The dying time, the duties of taking care of the arrangements, the paperwork, the service.  Then Boom. Silence.  I agree with you, talking about it can help.  Even in the graphic parts.  That’s part of my process.  

I hope you can express it, be it here or with someone.  Sitting down and openly saying to them,

   “I need to get this out about their death, and everything that I experienced, can you sit and hear this, with me?” , might be the way to try and do it.  Mentioning how important it is to express this.  

I would like to express that I get that feeling and very much identify with it.

Thank you for writing.

[Winter2025VA]

Dear @WalkingWoman , I am so sorry for your loss!!!

I am HERE "listening" = talk to me about ANYTHING.

AARP Experts Amy @agoyer and Jane @JaneCares will have some support to offer you when they stop by to see us.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** 

---

@WalkingWoman wrote:

Husband, Jim, died in July.  He was here at home and was able to be at home until his death.  I was the sole caregiver and was the one who provided meds and care.  Right now I'm having memories of his dying time, which was two days of difficult breathing, heart rate changes, and deepening coma.  He did not have any pain, but his dying time was not peaceful.  He was not in pain, but I was.  

And while I can talk about him and our time together, 45 years, I really need to talk about his dying time, and the time after his death, when I wrote the obituary, made cremation arrangements and drove myself to pick up the ashes.  There is no one who wants to hear that story.  And I need someone to hear, and I need to tell it. He did have 3 adult children, but they "wanted to give me  space" and did not contact me.  

I feel like I am just going down that spiral, and not sure what will happen.

---

[clh28]

Good morning, just joined AARP & your letter was the 1st I read.  My husband, Dick. died in September.  We are basically in the same state of grief.  No one knows what it’s like unless part of your heart has been broken. I am here if you would like to chat.

Cindy

[SereneSeagull]

Hi Cindy  Sorry for your loss as well.  I just read your response this morning.  It’s good to be able to express these feelings.

[Winter2025VA]

Dear Cindy @clh28 , I am so sorry for your loss!!!

Thank you SO MUCH for stopping by to "support" @WalkingWoman .

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** CINDY

---

@clh28 wrote:

Good morning, just joined AARP & your letter was the 1st I read.  My husband, Dick. died in September.  We are basically in the same state of grief.  No one knows what it’s like unless part of your heart has been broken. I am here if you would like to chat.

Cindy

---