These fuzzy values "x y's ago" are clearly display values calculated from some original source data. Are you sourcing these data from some API?
You should instead try to source the original data behind these display values. Probably the "huge database" you are sourcing these records from can be queried in a way that returns absolute values for dates, rather than these fuzzy ones.
(as an aside, I find the current trend of using so-called human-friendly fuzzy date stamps to be extremely annoying, especially when you can't turn them off. Not only does it impact screen scraping applications as this appears to be, but it's really a hindrance for time-critical data such as ticketing systems with date-stamped notes. I look forward to seeing this UI trend abate).
pythonorsql???