Why ‘walkaway wives’ are leading the charge in midlife divorce

When Kate*, 53, sat across the dinner table from her husband Jim one September evening, she poured a glass of wine, listened to his troubles, and then waited for him to ask her about the work presentation that she’d been dreading. And waited.

“He’d completely forgotten,” she says now. “He then went on to talk about his plans for football that weekend.” That was when Kate felt the words “I can't do this any more” forming in her mind. She drained her wineglass and thought about it some more. Years of being sidelined, ignored, and interrupted had finally come to a head. She wanted out.

It’s a scenario increasingly being played out in homes across Britain. Rather than put up and shut up, women in midlife are realising that there’s more to life than a grumpy or self-interested husband, and voting with their feet. While men used to initiate more divorces – the classic midlife crisis where they ran off with a younger woman – this has shifted over the past few years. Today, women are as likely to start divorce proceedings, especially in midlife. And more than ever, this is coming out of the blue for their comfortable husbands who had assumed everything was just ticking along nicely.

"My request for a divorce last October entirely took my ex by surprise," says business systems expert Ana Clarke, 41, from Tunbridge Wells. "I had just given up trying to change anything – he assumed my silence meant I was accepting of his shortcomings, but in reality, I was slowly checking out of the marriage."

The “walkaway wife” phenomenon has been confirmed by a new report. Findings from the law firm Mishcon de Reya, wealth management company Julius Baer, and the midlife community platform NOON show that women are often calling the shots based on nothing more than simply having ‘had enough’.

Nearly 50 per cent of divorces are now being instigated by women, with 56 per cent of them saying they would end a marriage simply because they felt unhappy. Whereas another man or woman entering the scene used to be a triggering factor for divorce, 64 per cent of female respondents said they ended their marriages for reasons other than infidelity. A significant 23 per cent of women reported that falling out of love was at the root of their desire to split, and 11 per cent simply didn’t want to spend the rest of their life with someone with whom they’d grown apart.

What’s more, the report found that far from being seen as a personal failure, nearly a third of women who divorce in midlife are happier than ever before. In fact, few were worried about being alone and there was almost no stigma attached to divorce, with 76 per cent of divorced women admitting they wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if a subsequent marriage was not successful.

Husbands might be left in shock after an “out-of-the-blue” divorce, but in reality, many women have been trying to get their husbands to notice their unhappiness for years.

open image in gallery

“Our marriage was okay,” says Ana. “Then my dad died, and I hit a very dark season in my life and had very little support. Gradually, we stopped communicating – with every conversation, our conflicts would escalate instead of being resolved. I began to feel I needed to sacrifice too much of who I am to remain in the relationship, and it felt too big a price to pay.”

“My ex was shocked when I asked for a divorce," Ana continues. "He tried to put right his previous behaviour, but for me, it was too late. I have no regrets.”

One respondent, Helen, from Cheshire, said: “Ultimately, I just got fed up. It was constant: not turning up when he was supposed to, not being there physically, not being available for the children or for me.”

“I just got fed up” runs like a thread of despair through much of the report, with many female divorcees reporting a sense of relief once the marriage is over. Family lawyer Ellie Foster, who runs Divorce Without Lawyers (www.divorcewithoutlawyers.co.uk), an online support group for people going through divorce, says among her members that “there can be almost an excitement and anticipation about the rest of their lives”.

For Kelly Peck, 50, it was the sense of “now or never” that made her pull the trigger on a divorce from her husband of 19 years. “He wasn't awful, we rubbed along like flatmates,” she explains. “But I never felt overjoyed to see him, nor was there any sense that we were still interested in each other.”

Kelly wanted to travel, “but Paul was happy sitting in front of the telly”. She now says, “I chose myself. The women in my family are long-lived, and I could have another 50 years. I didn’t want to spend it with Paul.”

Studies have shown that married men are generally happier and healthier than married women, perhaps due to having more of their needs met, while married women assume far more of the domestic burden. It’s why even if a man isn’t entirely happy with his marital lot, a ‘just good enough’ marriage can work for him in a way that it does not for his wife.

Ellie Foster says women are feeling more empowered than ever because “in the past, women were very much tied to their marriages, either due to lacking financial independence, or the stigma of divorce. There was the fear of having to raise children alone, or never finding a new relationship”. Today, midlife is seen as a new beginning, not a downward slide, and the fear of being single is an outdated concern, with 71 per cent of women unafraid of being alone.

“While nobody finds divorce a pleasant process,” Foster adds, “I’m seeing increasing numbers of women instigating separations in order to find a better life. For so many women, decades have been dedicated to caring for others; there’s a delicious liberation in being able to consider what we want at last, rather than what everyone wants from us.”

Many couples simply want different things, says Susie Masterson, MBACP, psychotherapist (www.ultraliving.uk). “We all go through periods of change, but they don’t always happen at the same pace,” she points out. “In my experience of working with men in couples therapy, the extent of discontent within their relationship is often a surprise. Contributing factors include different communication styles, different expectations of the relationship, and sometimes a lack of curiosity about their partner.”

“A common combination of negative beliefs for women is ‘I’m too much’ whilst also feeling ‘I’m not good enough,’” says Susie. “A helpful reframing of this is ‘I’ve had too much, and it’s not good enough.’ While it’s important to recognise that one person cannot meet all of our emotional needs, it’s equally important to feel aligned with the person we choose as our partner."

open image in gallery

As we anticipate living longer, the report’s authors point out, “fifty is only halfway through”, which adds to the now-or-never impetus to change things. No longer bound by social or religious judgment, couples in their fifties are now among the most likely to divorce.

But the walkaway-wife divorce isn’t all breezy, positive empowerment and after-work cocktails. The report also found that divorced women experience higher levels of stress across every category than non-divorced women. A significant 49 per cent of divorced women had experienced at least five major stressors, including anxiety, depression, redundancy, loneliness, loss of a close friend, financial crisis, and mental, financial, or physical abuse, compared to 37 per cent of non-divorced women of a similar age. Depression and financial difficulties were particularly prevalent, with 58 per cent of divorcees suffering low mood and 47 per cent in financial difficulty, compared to 29 per cent for non-divorcees.

The financial fallout can be particularly bitter, given that previous research by NOON discovered that half of women aged 45–65 are now the chief breadwinners in their families. They reported a ‘double burden’, not only carrying the weight of being the primary earner but also finding that domestic chores and expectations fall on their shoulders, too.

“Under UK law, a stay-at-home spouse is entitled to half the wealth generated during the marriage,” points out the report. But several breadwinning divorced women felt their ex was rewarded despite having done little in either sphere.

“I work full-time as a lawyer and have always been the primary earner,” says Jan, 57, quoted in the report. “My husband was an artist whose financial contributions were fitful, to put it politely… In 28 years, he never bought me a bunch of flowers or took me out for supper. When we met, I had a house of my own; he had nothing. We have two children together, and I have always worked, but did the emotional labour too. Despite our very different contributions, I had to pay him half of the value of the house and he also asked for a share of my pension. I am now going to have to work until I am 80 to pay off the mortgage to stay in the house, which has always been mine."

The report also found that “having enough” included being belittled, yelled at, exploited, overlooked, and in some grim cases, mentally and physically abused – behaviours consistent across all social classes and incomes.

“Of course, there is still an element of worry about money, given that women are still statistically disadvantaged and underfunded in retirement,” explains Foster. Yet despite all of this, she adds, “very few of my clients or support group members ever talk about wanting a new partner. In fact, most come out of divorce saying never again”.

Men may be blindsided by divorce, but for the “walkaway” women who have put up with too much for too long, it’s been a long time coming.